The Commute (Updated)
Eyes move side to side as homes speed by,
"Tickets, tickets" last one out gets the fine.
Twenty's, Ten's, Five's pour out of my
wallet. Explosion, losing all it's weight.
A blending blue and orange blurs my worn eyes,
"This ticket has expired", I just can't pencil in the time.
His honey eyes looked down upon my demise.
Does he understand that this is never my ideal paradigm?
Eyeing the hollow bricks engulfing the rusting metal tube,
"Penn Station, final stop", the coffee dripping down my little finger.
Coffee, the rhythmic shaking in my hands, I forgot food.
Screech of the brakes, causing my eyelids to make it darker.
I savor every second of sunshine.
Will my eyes be able to stay open like a hungry cash register until lunchtime?
The Commute (Original)
Eyes move side to side as the homes speed by,
"Tickets, tickets" last one out gets fined.
Twenty, Thirty, Forty's pouring from my
wallet, explosion losing its weight as the lady sighed.
Blue blending with orange blurs my worn eyes,
"This ticket has expired", I just didn't have the time.
His honey glazed eyes looking down upon my demise.
Does he understand that this is why I wish its summertime?
Eyeing the hollow bricks engulfing the rusting metal tube,
"Penn Station, final stop", the coffee dripping down my white cotton.
Coffee, causing rhythmic shaking in my hands, I forgot food.
The screech of the brakes casing my only thought as, caution.
I savor every second of the sunshine.
Will my eyes be able to stay open like the yellow lotus flower until lunchtime?
I liked the description in this poem of a daily commute. It can be so relatable to so many people. I am confused though about the meaning of the line, “Eyeing the hollow bricks engulfing the rusting metal tube.” is this a tunnel? I liked that I could picture myself in the same position as the speaker. I also think that it does fit well with the formal poem forms.
ReplyDeleteI like how descriptive this poem was. I especially like the rhythm of the line "blue blending with orange," it's a great description of looking out of the window on a fast train. One suggestion I have it to change the word "its summertime" in the second stanza to "it was summertime." I also like that you explain the frustrations with the people surrounding the main subject (train employee, other riders). Great job with this sonnet.
ReplyDeleteI like the imagery and description of this poem. Whats actually taking place though is a bit confusing to me-i assume the speaker is on a train, but then i don't understand why money is pouring out of the wallet? And who is the old lady? .I also would try and change the last line of the second stanza-the word it makes it feel squished. You're description of the metal tube is quite creative! I think this poem has a lot of potential if you could continue to use those strong descriptions but maybe clarify what is taking place.
ReplyDeleteThis poem is so relatable! I really see these types of situations every day! The description the speaker uses is great. For example, “Eyeing the hollow bricks engulfing the rusting metal tube.” The poem follows the rules of the sonnet except for the amount of syllables it is supposed to have.
ReplyDeleteI loved how I could imagine you or myself in the train, in the classic rush that many of us are all too familiar with. Really liked this image=the coffee dripping down my white cotton. Great descriptions.
ReplyDeleteThe pentameter is off in a few lines, and although I really liked the last couplet, I think the rhythm could be fixed. Also, maybe change the rhyme with cotton and caution-it doesn't seem to flow so well for me.
Good job!
I really like how when the ticket puncher on the train told you your ticket was expired you asked him "Does he understand why this is why you wish it was summertime?" The response seems to add humor the daily annoying situation. I see how at the end you used the "lotus flower" to describe the sun but I think it threw me off a bit and felt out a place in the context of the hard textures of the train's concreteness. The element of the plant seems a bit random here. I definitely think that using imagery to describe the sun is a good idea, but maybe go for something for urban like a yield sign, or metro card. Not those per say, but that kind of idea.
ReplyDeleteNice work attempting to write a sonnet. They are quite a challenge, and hearing the meter takes some practice. Your rhyme scheme is already a sonnet if we include the off and slant rhymes, but your meter is off.
ReplyDeleteI would love to see you work on the rhythms in this poem, revising by voice and ear as we have been practicing. Remember: iambic pentameter is five two-syllable units in which most of the units follow a patter of unstressed, then stressed.
Some of these lines are close to iambic pentameter. With a little more tweaking, they can be in meter. Below are two examples. For both examples, the first line is your original, and in the second, I revise it to iambic pentameter for you.
"Eyes move side to side as the homes speed by"
Just cut the "the": Eyes move side to side as homes speed by,
"Blue blending with orange blurs my worn eyes"
A blending blue and orange blurs my worn eyes
The words "cotton" and "caution" are not iambs. They follow a stressed, then unstressed pattern. So it's nearly impossible to use them as end words in a sonnet, as you do here in a couple lines.
Line three sounds like you are referring to the dollar value of the bills, but of course there is no such thing as a 30 or a 40 dollar bill. Your wording is a little off.
I hope these comments help you to revise the poem closer to a traditional sonnet. Good work so far. I'm looking forward to our meeting.