(Updated)
His fingers pull mine
As the fireworks explode.
On our year abroad.
Hands around my waist
My white dress swirling.
My white dress swirling.
Gazing eyes close in on us.
My screams shake the room
The child’s sound erupts.
The child’s sound erupts.
Softening, he takes my hand.
(Original)
His fingers pull mine
As the fireworks shoot up
On our year abroad.
Hands around my waist
As the eyes close in on us
My white dress swirling
The screams from my mouth
Softening, he takes my hand
The child’s sound erupts
Your first twitter poem is adorable. I really could picture an eleven year old saying or feeling this way - and the hashtag is great. I love it! The Haikus are on a more serious note, and I think they are fantastic. Each haiku brings a scene to life - the first one seems to me to be two people falling in love studying their year abroad, the second one reminds me of a wedding (or maybe i'm just in that mindset ;)) and the last one I'm actually not quite sure what it is about, but it is written really well even in just a few sentences. The last twitter poem is also humorous! Good job.
ReplyDeleteHey! I love the Twitter poems, they are both so realist! The first one is so cute and innocent and the second Twitter poem is so humorous. The Haiku poems do a great job with setting a scene in such few lines! The first two Haiku poems have a way of touching the readers' heart. The first one seems like it is young love and I love that the second Haiku tells about the second stage of love. I think that the last Haiku is about a man taking his wife's hand as she's giving birth and then the child is born. I could be wrong, but if I am not, great job telling a complete story using three separate stories! I believe the Haikus assigned should hint at a season so it would be interesting to see when everything takes place. Overall, great job!!
ReplyDeleteYour twitter poems are so fun! I think the hashtags worked well and gave a good punch line. The Haikus also felt light and carefree. I get the feeling they are about a relationship. one suggestion that I have is in the second Haiku to maybe add another 1 syllable word instead of using ‘ing’ at the end of a word. Very cute poems!
ReplyDeleteThe speaker's first twitter poem is amazing and hilarious! The haikus are also clever and well thought out. However, they are not traditional because they do not discuss nature. Either way great job!
ReplyDeleteThe speaker's first twitter poem is amazing and hilarious! The haikus are also clever and well thought out. However, they are not traditional because they do not discuss nature. Either way great job!
ReplyDeleteHey! I liked that there was a general theme throughout all your poems, one of love. I like the simplicity that the first conveys, compared to the passion in the haikus, and the questions asked in your last twitter poem. I am not sure exactly what the second twitter poem is trying to convey, but I can tell it is definitely in contrast to the beginning feeling.
ReplyDeleteI loved your haikus and the images and strong emotions they successfully created in my head. My only critic is that the last line of the last haiku seems a little random and out of place, but I may just not be understanding the message.
Overall, great job!
These poems really made me smile, and I love the images you showed. I would comment that in the last haiku the line " screams from my mouth" could be more effective if it were in a active form versus it's passive form.
ReplyDeleteYour twitter poems made me crack up. The first one totally captures that tween young love. The second one, if I'm understanding it correctly is so classic mom not understanding technology. The haikus have painted a really nice picture but i don't think i fully understand the connection to the season-maybe you can edit it to make it more clear. Excellent job overall!
ReplyDeleteHey Elicia! Super wide variety of themes in these poems! Was the last haiku about childbirth? LOL
ReplyDeleteSome small critiques: avoid abstract words like "around my waist." Instead, try out "hands grip my waste," or something more vivid. Also, I thought "on our year abroad" fell a little flat.
I was intrigued by your Twitter post, and I am still trying to dissect the meaning out of it ;)
**waist
ReplyDelete