Can I? (Updated)
Her blue shirt sitting on the ribbons of her silver chair
Her hands thrown up high as her hair gets intertwined
Her necklace floating behind her long neck
She’s moving lower and lower
The forever moving stairs
My long limbs exerted the force to get the chair in motion
My task is now complete
As she on the path toward her given caregiver.
My task is now complete
As she on the path toward her given caregiver.
Did I push strong enough?
Did I give her all I could?
The hairs on my arm straighten up.
Racing to the entryway to watch from above.
She’s getting to end.
Her legs are forever still.
Her smile illuminated by
The glittering fluorescence light above.
The counselor waiting below
With a posture
So comfortable, as if
The child was birthed from her own womb.
All that’s left at the last step
Is her
Wheelchair.
Her body thrown like a spiral sprinting out of an old couch.
Her face covered with repulsion toward me.
The reflection in the wheelchair
Turns the darkest shade of
Red.
Did I push too strong?
Did I give her all I could?
Did I give her all I could?
Can I? (Original)
Her blue shirt sitting on the ribbons of her silver chair
Her hands thrown up high as her hair gets intertwined
Her necklace floating behind her long neck
She’s moving lower and lower
The forever moving stairs
My long limbs exerted the force to get the chair in motion
Did I push strong enough?
Did I give her all I could?
The hairs on my arm straighten up.
Racing to the balcony to watch from above.
She’s getting to end.
Her legs are forever still.
Her smile illuminated by
The glittering chandelier above
The counselor waiting below
With a posture
So comfortable, as if
The child was birthed from her own womb.
All that’s left at the last step
Is her
Wheelchair
Her body thrown like a spiral sprinting out of an old couch
Her face covered with repulsion toward me
The reflection in the wheelchair
Turns the darkest shade of
Red.
Did I push too strong?
Did I give her all I could?
Did I give her all I could?
Hi Elicia!
ReplyDeleteI am impressed with many of the lines in your poem, which are definitely "showing" more than telling. Your description of "The reflection in the wheelchair/Turns the darkest shade of/Red." was a great way of incorporating both the cause and the effect of the pain and anger of the camper. I also liked the line "Her body thrown like a spiral sprinting out of an old couch" because of its creative description of the accident.
This poem manages to convey both the perspective of the counselor and the camper, which could be a challenge for some writers.
One critique I have for this poem is that there seem to be some details that are probably significant to the setting of the poem, which the reader might not fully understand. The balcony and chandelier details make me think of a ballroom, while I had originally thought this poem was describing a race/game of some sort.
I really liked this poem! I thought that it had a calm tone to it and I could feel the connection that the speaker had to the child. I specifically liked the line “So comfortable, as if The child was birthed from her own womb.” I thought that this line perfectly sums up the poem by telling us how much the speaker cares for the child and how much it means to her that the child succeed in life. I also think there was good contrast between the line “Did I push strong enough” and “Did I push too strong.” It shows the struggle that the reader has, not knowing how much to push the child. I think you also did a good job of expressing a metaphor and showing instead of telling.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, I am a bit confused by this poem. I get there is someone in a wheelchair somehwere, but I don't know where. There is a balcony and a chandelier, so maybe we are at a theater? Not sure. The "forever moving stairs" sound like an escalator. Something is happening there.
ReplyDeleteThere is a "counselor" present. The speaker seems to try to help the handicapped person and has a problem. The person maybe falls out of the wheelchair. The speaker in the poem seems to feel guilty about her performance trying to help the person in the wheelchair.
I think a more clear and consistent sense of place would help this poem, and giving the reader a little more clear and consistent visual detail will help bring the poem further to life for the reader.
My favorite line here is "Her body thrown like a spiral sprinting out of an old couch." That's an excellent simile! More writing like this, please.
Hi Elicia,
ReplyDeleteThe idea for this poem is fantastic! To write about a wheelchair and the experience one has is very intriguing. However I am a bit confused where the poem is taking place and what is going on. However, the imagery and the vivid verbs you use are really good: "illuminated, glittering, floated."
I really enjoyed this particular line. "The reflection in the wheelchair turns the darkest shade of red." It is more interesting than just saying the person's face turned red. I also thought the line placement was good. It really emphasized the embarrassment of the speaker.