My life. As I walk down the street. (Updated)
Oh
How the yellow cars honking
Flows
From the Hudson to the East River
—-
When I was two
All I knew were legos
I built a world from them
I built a world from them
The water poured from the room
The drops pounding on my sheets
—-
Oh
How the pigtailed child's laughter
Flows
From one park to the next
—-
When I was five
All I had was Magnolia's banana pudding
The politicians ran in
The eldest son contemplates his ticket
-—
Oh
How the sun shouts goodbye as it rays
Flow
From the Porsche to the bike
—-
When I was fifteen
All I did was hail the taxis
The father never arrived
The mother had moved out
-—
Oh
How the noise from the beats headphone
Flows
To all those lucky enough to pass them
——
When I was 18
All I did was break curfew
The land was at war
There is no place for peace
-—
Oh
How the yellow cars honking
Flows
From the Hudson to the East River
My life. As I walk down the street. (Original)
Oh
How the yellow cars honk
Flows
From one body of water to the next
—-
When I was two
All I knew were legos
The water poured from the room
The drops pounding on my sheets
—-
Oh
How the pigtailed childs laughter
Flows
From one park to the next
—-
When I was five
All I had was magnolias banana pudding
The politicians ran in
The eldest son given the password to his demise
-—
Oh
How the sun shouts goodbye as it rays
Flows
From the chimney to the tent
—-
When I was fifteen
All I did was hail the taxis
The father didnt arrive
The mother moved out
-—
Oh
How the songs from the beats headphone
Flows
To all those lucky enough to pass them
——
When I was 18
All I did was break curfue
The land was at war
There is no place for peace
-—
Oh
How the yellow cars honk
Flows
From one body of water to the next
This poem is really interesting!I liked how as a reader I was really able to obtain the "stream-of-consciousness" effect you created. This poem is able to jump from present to past memories seamlessly, and the repetition of the word "flow" helped capture that momentum. I also loved the interwoven stories put forth; it creates a tapestry of life that you really see when walking down the street in NYC. Just one tweak I would suggest: there are some grammar/spelling mistakes that I spotted, so maybe go through it more closely to correct them!
ReplyDeleteOverall, though really good work.
This poem was really fun to read! It was interesting what was going to be next in the poem! The layout of the poem and the repetition is very creative! I think it really adds to following the thoughts of the subject. Maybe try to make it a less organized structure because it will really add to the subject's thought process. Overall, this is a great poem! Good job
ReplyDeleteVery unique poem. I had to read it a few times to appreciate that its intended to be an outpour of the speakers thoughts and not a formal type of poem. I like the way you used water to create imagery. Even though some of the lines are quite simple, they're also equally striking (for example your lines in the stanza when the speaker is 15). I would maybe edit the stanza where the speaker is 18, the lines aren't so strong and the seem a bit forced. I love repetition in poems because I feel like it becomes and anchoring force and you certainly did a great job with that in this poem.
ReplyDeleteI agree with all the comments above, both the critiques and praises. This poem is unique because it is introducing a refrain that is not necessarily related in the same way to each stanza. I am still not sure what all the lines mean, but I was still able to appreciate your usage of this refrain style poem. I would go back and correct grammar mistakes and also try to be a little clearer as to the relationship with the "flow" within the context of each stanza. Also, I like your creative title, but maybe the title can incorporate the idea of flowing water as a guide to readers trying to understand this poem. Great overall job.
ReplyDeleteThis poem was so interesting to read. I liked the unique format! I could really understand the feelings of the speaker here and her interactions with the world. I liked how you repeated the first stanza at the end. It really made the whole poem come together. My only suggestion would be to watch for spelling in the poem. Overall, very creative!
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