Visiting her old age, Home. (Updated)
She sits in her chair,
looks out the gray window.
Leaves flow with the music of the wind.
Second Monday of the month, the day of my visits.
I wait close by to hear more.
As she thinks to herself, will today be my last?
She always only sees the good in the day.
My brain expands tenfold as I sit in the small corner chair,
I wait to see what’s more.
She still glances out the window,
sometimes I’m not sure if she realizes my visits.
She always speaks at the pace of the wind.
She always brings out the picture of her husband, as the wind
contradicts her unfluctuating plans for the day.
I get a little more from each of our visits.
Her daughter and husband wont be able to sit in the visitor’s chair.
She always goes back and stares out the window,
once more.
She always has her rose color lipstick, silver earrings and more.
She always waits for the movement from the wind.
She always sits by the window.
She always observes the inner and outer inhabitants, each day.
She always has her two loud friends beside her chair.
I always try to search, during the visits.
I always look forward to our visits.
Always want to bring more
people to sit in the chair
and listen to her words as the wind
passes by. Because to-day
can be the last day, by the window.
The window.
The visits.
The special day.
Listening even more.
As the sounds of the wind
Hides my deafening thoughts as I sit in the corner on my little chair.
She always sits by the window; she always sits by the chair.
Sometimes she asks if we can change the visits, and go outside with the wind
Because tomorrow is her birth-day, and she wont be 102 any more
Visiting her old age, Home. (Original)
sitting in her chair.
looking out the graying window,
the leaves flowing with the music of the wind.
the second monday of the month, the day of my visits.
just waiting close by to hear more.
as she is thinking to herself, will today be my last day?
she always only sees the good in the day.
my brain expanding tenfold as I sit in the small corner chair,
just waiting to see what's more.
she’s still glancing out the window
sometimes not sure if she realizes my visits.
shes always talking at the pace of the wind.
she always brings out the picture of her husband, as the wind
contradicts her unfluctuating plans for the day.
i get a little more from each of our visits
briefly letting me know her daughter and husband wont be able to sit in the visitors chair.
she always then goes back to staring out the window,
once more.
she always has her rose color lipstick, silver earrings and sometimes even more.
she always waits for the movement from the wind.
she always sits by the window,
observing all the inner inhabitants and all roaming outside each day.
she always has her two loud friends beside her chair.
i always try to search for her secrets during the visits.
i always look forward to our visits.
always wanting to bring more
people to sit in the chair
and listen to her words as the wind
passes by. because to-day
can be the last day, by the window.
the window.
the visits.
the special day.
listening even more.
as the sounds of the wind
hides my tears as i sit in the corner on my little chair.
shes always sitting by the window, even though no ones is always in the chair.
sometimes she asks if we can change the visits, and go outside with the wind
because tomorrow is her birth-day,and she wont be 102 any more.
This is an intriguing sestina with an moving emotional core. You try out a lot of things in this poem: really long prosy lines, extremely short punchy lines, moderate length lines, enjambment, narrative, anaphora, a symbol (the chair), etc.
ReplyDeleteSome of it really works. I though the shorter lines worked better for you than the really long ones, where your language seems less like poetry and more like prose.
I do not like the part where the speaker is depicted crying. Depictions of tears almost never work in poetry, as we discussed early in the class. To others who read poetry, they usually come off as maudlin, and it's just too easy of an image for sadness or pain.
Much better are lines like this one "as the wind / contradicts her unfluctuating plans for the day." I love how wind is used as a classic agent of change here, a natural symbol, if you will. "Unfluctuating plans" concisely captures the routine nature of many of our lives when we grow elderly.
I also like the use of repetition at the beginning of stanza four. That brought the poem back into a fresh focus, changing the rhythm in an attractive and poetic way. Hope these comments are helpful!
I really liked this poem. It has a calm tone to it. I think you executed the Sestina well! I especially like the line “she’s always talking at the pace of the wind.” My only suggestion is that I think there are a lot of clutter words that could be taken out to make the poem flow better. Great job!
ReplyDeleteThere were such small details in this poem that made it work as a whole. For example, the way "Home" is capitalized instead of simply writing "old age home" changes the whole meaning of the first sentence. I also think this was fitting content to use for the sestina poem, since her life is repetitive just like the repeating words at the end of each sentence. I especially enjoyed the second to last stanza because it seems to sum up all of the speaker's experiences with this woman in flashes of her senses. I would suggest changing the "ing" verbs to present verbs, as we learned in class that this helps make the poem feel like it's happening at this very moment. I agree with the comments above- remove the clutter words in the longer sentences to make them just as powerful as the last two stanzas.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed the picture you created in this poem. It was slow moving and soothing at the same time, like Tali's sestina about the laundry. The words that you picked for the endings of your line all go really nicely together and create a uniform feel to the poem-it doesn't at all seem like you just picked some random words to finish off the lines and then worked around it. I would perhaps edit the second part of first line of the last stanza: "even though no ones is always in the chair" it sounds awkward which is a shame with the rest of your beautiful finish! Great job!!
ReplyDeleteI was already intrigued by the poem's title because of the play on words using a small comma. I also felt that your closing line was very strong: "because tomorrow is her birth-day,and she wont be 102 any more." It depicts the sadness of her loss in a matter of fact way, though still using creativity to invoke our sympathy.
ReplyDeleteI also like the simplicity of the second to last stanza, where the end words are repeated, to the point.
I am curious as to your grammatical choices in this poem. I feel like capitalization and punctuation would actually help this poem feel more real.
I am also curious as to your choice to repeat the word "more" by making it one of your original end lines. Maybe reconsider that because some of your later lines ending in more seemed a little forced.
Great poem and great job!
I think you did a great job of tackling the sestina. You were really able to evoke strong emotions, and I felt as if I was sitting there in the old age home with you. I liked all the specific details you included, such a the picture of her husband, her friends, and lipstick.
ReplyDeleteHowever, the rhythm and flow is a little disorganized because you have such a large range in your line lengths, but that could definitely be fixed.
Great job!